one step forward sometimes equals 10 steps back

Have you ever been so close to something that you want so bad you can taste it?  Taste it with every fiber of your being.  I  have, and as recently as last week.   Last week I rode my bicycle, really rode my bicycle for the first time in what felt like an eternity.  I pushed the big gears, stood up on the pedals and let go of everything that troubles me for almost 50 miles and I was tired, make that exhausted, face wet with a mixture of tears and sweat.  Tears not of pain but of joy for truly being free of that pain for the first time since before I can remember. It was amazing, feeling only the pain in the muscles that I was inflicting, and not the pain of joints and tissue damaged long ago.  Not the pain that had kept me from doing what I love for past 7 months.  It was freedom, it was inspiring and made me want it more than ever.  It gave me  confidence in the fact that I had healed well enough, that I had beaten that which had beat me down for so long.  It gave me the confidence to once again destroy all hope of being and doing that which feels normal to me for a long time again

I now realize just how dangerous it was to feel that way, as it empowered me to push myself and trust that all would be well and then that one step,  the one step forward that sent me and my recovery 10 steps back.