It has been an interesting evening, one spawned by a thread from a friend having to put their dog down.  I was sitting at the dinner table, alone and enjoying my salmon when I read this cry for help and support.  I found myself overcome with emotion and it took me back to a day when I received a call from my father that Bear could no longer get up and I needed to come over and help after work.
  See Bear was a dog that my mother and I had brought home one day as a rescue when we saw a young boy leaving her behind as a puppy on the corner of Sierra and 4th in Norco near where we lived at the time.  We had to beg to keep her and so she became "mom's" dog. I already had one and so did my dad.  In the interim my mother had passed away and Bear was the only link that existed in a physical state and my father could not take her to the vet to do what needed to be done. She was a tired old dog that was not in pain but simply worn out, still very aware of what was going on around her, still very full of love and comfort, and he was and still is an amazing man with a love so strong for his wife that he could not bring himself to sever the last physical connection that existed.
  This also led me to think and reminisce about losing my uncle Tom almost 2 years ago, and how I poured my experience out onto the internet into the very same message board.

and then there were 2...

 I went back and revisited that thread this evening and it amazes me how an online community can come together when one of their own is hurting.  My heart goes out to Liz and her dog this evening, it brings tears to my eyes as I think about her loss, but the thoughts of the individuals that have come into my life through such a portal bring a smile at the same time.  I sit here an active ball of emotions running from strength and admiration to sadness, emptiness and hurt.  I sit here and I am thankful for all of the people in my life, thankful for their love and support, and hopeful that one day I can be half the man that father is.

Thank you for this journey Liz, you and Nikki are in my thoughts and prayers tonight, may she sleep peacefully through everything and you wake up whole tomorrow filled with all that she gave you...

Thankful

Wow August really... It has been a long time.  So many amazing adventures and I just have not take the time to write them all down.
Backpacking

New road bike

 girl riding road bike

a fish like I have never seen

long recuperation of ankle...  Blah Blah Blah

Thanksgiving weekend has just passed and I have so much to be thankful for in addition to an amazing father, friends and girl friend.  I have a job that I enjoy and have the ability to get up every day and breathe. I have also been faced with a few challenges this year and it is these challenges that have led me to  many questions as of late.
 Recovery, will it ever happen???  At some  point a few weeks ago I decided that I was not making progress with PT and decided to stop going and start living.  I flew in from a business trip and immediately loaded the car and took off to enjoy one final night in the Sierra's before mother nature took back all that she graces us with for the winter months. Early in the year I had set my sights on getting up to Twin Lakes, only to be shut out by a long thaw and bad weather.  This time it was different and I was treated to many firsts along the way. My first night hike, especially solo, an amazing sunset

Great vista's in the morning

and amazing meals with views that are hard to put into words

I even managed to sneak out before the storms came in. Upon my return I decided to continue to buck the system and get on with life.
Long road rides, will I ever get back to it? Grabbed the road bike and put in a solid 60 mile effort. road along the coast, felt the wind in my hair, smelled the salt climbed the hills, and pushed myself to what I consider complete failure as I had to sit by the side of the road and recover for 15 minutes at one point just to carry on, once back under way it was a slow and painful grind to get home.  Success yes, but one that resulted in a lot of pain in the knee that has not bothered me in quite some time. I backed off a bit and spent some time riding with the girl
 MTB, the biggest question of them all.  Extremely frustrated and simply over not being able to hear the sound of bicycle tires rolling over dirt and through rocks I grabbed a mountain bike and headed out to see what would happen.  No better but no worse ether and it felt so good to be back on dirt, back where I belong. Still a fair amount of pain to overcome, an extreme lack of fitness and a ton of business travel did not work in my favor however I hit up some local spots and finally a night ride at a local loop and had a great time, riding with friends that I had not seen in months, many months yet we could pick up exactly where we left off.  I had been missing aspect for a long time and this made me jump in with both feet.

Busted out 6 laps at the Fully loop for the 7th annual Tour de Tryptophen in support of Tyler Blick and his fight with leukemia. I had a ton of support from my friend Chris his family and Renee as well who hung in there when the temps dropped. It all panned out to be an amazing experience.  Unfortunately I developed extreme knee pain as I was still dialing in the fit of the new whip so I had to call it at 6 but with almost 70 miles on my deeply chilled and freshly reacquainted to dirt bones a warm shower was a great thing, not to mention answering the MTB question once and for all I felt great.  I consider this a huge success in that I far exceeded my initial expectation however I left very frustrated as I still had some in the tank and was not able to perform to my full potential.  I am coming back.  I removed all doubt in my mind this evening as I stood up and felt the Blacksheep surge it's way under labored pedal strokes to the top of the world, cleaning Cholla and the rest on a SS for the first time in nearly a year.

 My heart rate pegged at 187 as I hit the top but damn did it feel amazing to be alive and I was treated to an beautiful sunset as the sun slowly sank behind Catalina island

My questions have been answered and I am extremely thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving

Changing of the season

  It all starts one day with a small itch to see what is new and exciting, immediately followed by a trip to your local bike shop which in my case is The Path.  You park the car and as you open the door you feel the electricity, the excitement of what may be waiting for you just on the other side of that door. You have convinced yourself that this is going to be just another recon mission and nothing is going home with you on that day yet you accidentally left the rack on the back of your vehicle  for some strange reason. You hear your car door lock and take the first step on Mr Toads wild ride and the outcome is different for everyone.  Some like to test ride bikes, I prefer to pull down the exact frame that I have usually already decided that I am going to call my own and carry it around the store while looking at the parts that will eventually comprise the build kit that I promise myself I will slowly accrue as my budget permits.  Finally off to the counter to pay the first installment of the birth of my new toy.  As I walk to the car, frame in-hand  maybe shaking a bit filled with emotions ranging from the excitement about the new page in my book of cycling to remorse for spending the cash that could probably been more responsibly allocated I set off for home to remove decals, and make the final build list of parts that will slowly be purchased to complete the dream.
  The following morning I usually find myself running down to just pick up one additional part because the rest will come slowly, it is usually about 3 hours later I emerge with handfuls of retail therapy that once assembled will allow me to complete my vision and hit the trail, F waiting and buying slowly I need it now... NOW I SAY!!!
  So is my pattern for bringing new passions into my life and it is this birthing process that make me feel a  bit off when one of them goes away  The day the RIP9 left I was sad, however it's replacement had already been in the quiver for a month or so.  Today I start a process of morning the M6, It appears that she is leaving this evening and although having only seen daylight 3 days of the last 365 I feel as though I am losing a big part of me.  Is it odd to feel this way?  Not really after all that has gone into perfecting the build and all the good times that have been had with great friends on this bike and in this discipline of riding.  The important thing to remember is that the friends will still be there, and there are new good times to be had just around the next corner...

one step forward sometimes equals 10 steps back

Have you ever been so close to something that you want so bad you can taste it?  Taste it with every fiber of your being.  I  have, and as recently as last week.   Last week I rode my bicycle, really rode my bicycle for the first time in what felt like an eternity.  I pushed the big gears, stood up on the pedals and let go of everything that troubles me for almost 50 miles and I was tired, make that exhausted, face wet with a mixture of tears and sweat.  Tears not of pain but of joy for truly being free of that pain for the first time since before I can remember. It was amazing, feeling only the pain in the muscles that I was inflicting, and not the pain of joints and tissue damaged long ago.  Not the pain that had kept me from doing what I love for past 7 months.  It was freedom, it was inspiring and made me want it more than ever.  It gave me  confidence in the fact that I had healed well enough, that I had beaten that which had beat me down for so long.  It gave me the confidence to once again destroy all hope of being and doing that which feels normal to me for a long time again

I now realize just how dangerous it was to feel that way, as it empowered me to push myself and trust that all would be well and then that one step,  the one step forward that sent me and my recovery 10 steps back.