to be human again

I finally realize just how crazy most think that we are...  We being cyclists, those that enjoy torturing ourselves over long miles to be rewarded with a skinny latte half way through the day.  Only to spend that bit of valuable stimulant climbing the next hill to head for home.  

I have been off the bike, or in recovery this time so long that I hardly remember how it felt.  The end of a long day, always amazing, yet long and painful.   A day of chasing away all that I am while pushing myself well beyond my comfort zone, proving to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. It seems that the last 2 years have been blurred with injury, surgery and recovery.  It also seems only proper that as the anniversary of the beginning of this downward spiral looms in the near future I am looking at traversing the long road home.  The road back to where I was before I landed on my wrist Labor Day weekend 2009.

I have ridden about 20 miles in past 48 hours and I have struggled to do so.  I have laid on the couch with legs that remind me of my first century after each of my 10 mile excursions.  These same legs give me hope of centuries to come, although far away, they are attainable with some hard work.  I refuse to let the world take this from me,  This is the one thing in my life that has always made sense, and helped to make sense of the rest of life.  10 miles a day is killing me now and I  understand why so many that don’t live this life look upon us so strangely.  Had I not had the experiences past I would question my sanity at riding 10 miles a day, let alone over 100...  

But I also know that today I walked up my stairs, unsupported for the first time in at least 10 weeks,   and it felt amazing!!!!

Can you teach an old dog new tricks???

Can you teach an old dog new tricks???

I sure hope so as I think that reality may be setting in and I am trying to deal with the fact that life may be handing me  5 new cards in game of 5 card draw.  The challenge is that I am not sure what to do? Do you lay them down or do you go all in? 

Choices, every day we make choices, and our decision carves our future and creates not only our reality but many more opportunities to change direction.    One year ago today I was struggling with decisions regarding ankle surgery and recovery.  One year before that life was perfect and I was debating between long days in the Santa Ana’s or centuries on the road bike...

Today I have a new challenge to figure out.  How to walk up my stairs like a normal human being, without my knee buckling beneath me.  It amazes me how our worlds can change.  Today I spent some time with my orthopedic surgeon and we finally had time to talk.  After a full review of my case running will be out of the question and our new goal is to be able to walk like a normal person, without pain that spikes 12 on the 1 - 10 scale. 

Today was injection number 1 and per doctors orders 30 minutes of riding around the parking lot to start to recover from complete quad atrophy.  I figure go big or go the fuck home and die so I spent 30 minutes spinning with only my left leg.  

And so it ends...

or did it ever really start??  Is this just a bad dream that I will wake from and go about my normal life working hard, and finding new ways to experience the beauty that this world has to offer.  Unfortunately the truth seems to be bearing it’s way down upon me like a great storm that is determined to wash away all the good and beauty that I know.  I look upon the world and it seems to be more barren with each and every day.  I hope that this too will pass but there is no relief in sight.

Tired, exhausted and beaten down are terms that come to mind.  The beauty that once filled me seems receded and since been replaced with fear.  The cold ugly face of uncertainty has risen once again and is threatening to destroy all that I have come to know as peaceful, tranquil, calm and serene.  

I understand that things change, and that a world does not need to decay as it ages, however I sit here and ask the proverbial question of why?  Why is it that after battling my way back to that which pacifies me does it all get ripped away again.  They say take responsibility for your own reality, and if that is the case someone pass this kid the bone saw and superglue because I want to make some changes.

Not one to be the victim but the wind no longer fills these tattered sails.  I have been away for what seems like too long, in too much pain and I am unclear at this point how to get back.  I am thankful for all the wonderful people that fill my life.  I am thankful for the continued opportunity that I have at work.  I am thankful for the roof over my head, clothes on my back and the food in my belly but sometimes I just wonder when it will all end.  And which “it” will end first  the pain  or all that I am thankful for.

Tromp tromp tromp....

Tromp tromp tromp....

What else can I say, this seemed to be the theme for the weekend.  What an amazing sound it is, as you hear the frame of your shoe cracking through the thin white crust to reveal all the powdery goodness that had been bestowed upon the mountain the night before.  The only thing better would have to be the fact that it was the not only epic conditions but my first time...

It all started Saturday morning at about 5:45 when I awoke from a dead sleep to look outside and see pitch black, and noticed that the storm had subsided, rolled over to check the watch and it was then that I thought to myself that I was awake at this time for a reason and it was not to simply lay in bed and wonder what the mountains had to offer. so I jumped up hit the espresso machine for everything it was worth and began filling the backpack with everything from extreme weather gear to fresh coffee grounds to make with melted snow on the alcohol stove at the top of my climb.  

Rolling out after the sun had decided to join us for the day we headed North East me, myself and the Subi it was to be a threesome today.  I must say I had a huge giggle when the 12 people in front of me were pulled over at the CHP chain inspection and over half of them turned away as they had brought none...  Really, I mean Fuckin really people??? it has only been dumping snow for the last 24-48 hours.  Any way I had to smile as the  B(o)(o)Baru and I were waved on through and told to enjoy our time in Subiland...

Upon reaching Big Bear I headed to the recreation area on Mill Creek road as we had ended several great rides down this trail and that was where I was headed.  Grabbed the pack grabbed the shoes, strapped in and away we went.  we were snowshoing and probably had some stupid 12 year old smile on the face but it felt good

I picked up a track laid down by two others and eventually caught and passed them (it is the roadie in me)  they were amazing, took my pic for me and then we all proceeded to get lost together.  The snow does a great job of concealing stream crossings and trails.

After they chose to give up I took one more look at the gps that showed the trail just ahead and looked up at a steep climb on the other side of a creek and just decided to go all in.  marked the waypoint in the event I got too lost and jumped in (thank goodness for waterproof boots)  Long story short I managed to find the trail 2 peaks and almost an hour later and off I went cutting fresh tracks to top of the mountain.  

Although very faint at times I just followed the very slight depression in the side of the hill.  The concept was to reach the top, make some hot lunch and coffee, and spend a little me time.  My mother’s ashes are strewn across that mountain range, and I feel really connected when I travel there.  

Lunch Time

Having had great weather on the way up( a nice warm 23 at the bottom) it all of a sudden became very cold, you could feel a drop of at least 10 degrees as the clouds came in and the heavens opened up and I was treated to big fat fluffy flakes the whole way down.  the only sounds I heard were the flakes on the brim of my hat and the Tromp tromp tromp of the powder compacting under my shoes  Life had reached a new level of amazing...

I live by a rule of leave only footprints and take only memories when in the wilderness but on this trip it was to be taken to the next level.  As I reached the bottom of the mountain and rejoined the beaten path of others on snowshoes I noticed that my footprints from the trip up had almost been erased by the beautiful mother nature and as I crossed the last stream and my foot landed upon the compacted path of others again I smiled as I thought about the fact that what I had experienced was mine and mine alone.  It was built just for me on this day and by nights end there would not even be footprints to show that it actually happened or that I was even there.  It as for me to share with those that are close to me, or not at all.

I crested the last hill on the beaten path, the loud voices of humanity, children running and screaming, playing in all that fell from the sky completely content and not knowing or caring what exists just outside of their vision, p over the next hill.  I hope for their sakes that as they grow up they choose to venture there, beyond the confines of society’s playground and experience half of what I have today.  

See ya on the trail, or where ever our paths may cross

Sunday was equally amazing but in a different kind of way.  Another day in the snow, another amazing day full of discovery.  Not my discovery this time and I am going to keep that one,just for me...


It is amazing how fast things can change, one minute you can have everything, and exist at heights you never thought possible, only to find that they may very well not be.  If I take anything away from these experiences, it is to push your boundaries, your comfort zones and enjoy every minute that you have as things may change the very next moment and you may be left not in the snow but out in the cold just the same

another weekend in the life of the Outback

I figured it only appropriate that after trail work on weekend 1 and the airport during the week that she got out in the open for the weekend so off to the Sespe Wilderness in the Los Padres National Forest.

and there she sat from Friday through Sunday...

Me, well I ...

and immediately had to cross

and again wet feet

a little guidance 

finally the open trail

Oh wait here we go again

Sespe from the trail

I see my site for the first night, only 2 hours and about 3 miles in.

Just past the interesting sandstone rocks on the left side of the creek

Looking back 

Playing with my new multi fuel Ti stove.  I actually ended up bringing Everclear as a multi purpose, fire starter, stove fuel, antiseptic and social beverage...

I 

It was a great day hiking through some interesting desert like setting, not what I am used to  yet very unique.  I awoke Saturday morning to a frozen backpack 

and hit the trail, I ended up fording the river 4 more times on my way to Willet Hot Springs but ended up missing the cut off.  Explored for a while with a couple of others and finally decided to start working my way back through the 4 water crossings, crossing the last 2 in the dark using my headlight.  I enjoy moving alone through the night, the trail seems a totally different experience as your range of sight is much shorter, and the forest comes alive with a new set of sounds.  Saw some great tracks from deer to a bear 

and met some amazing people along the way.

On the way back I just kept pushing to find water to cook with and just the right site to set, until finally I found myself through all 4 of the deeper crossings in Bear Creek campground after about 17 miles of out and back, There were 4 people around a huge campfire and I set up a bit closer to the river hungry and tired.  it was time to eat, but I needed water, ended up slipping down a muddy bank into a 4 foot deep pool now drenched, in the dark and cold about 50 degrees and quickly dropping with no firewood about.   I hear a voice from heaven, or was it the other site inviting me to come and enjoy the fire, I grabbed my food and the multipurpose bottle of joy and headed over for a relaxing evening of drying off, warming up and actually meeting new people, interacting face to face rather than Facebook to Facebook.  pretty amazing how the whole dynamic changes when phones do not work. Woke up the following morning well rested and finished the 3.5 mile hike out with my 4 new friends from Simi Valley.

So many more pictures, so many more experiences along the way. 

As I mentioned Sespe is not the traditional forest setting that I am used to while packing and camping, but I must say that along the way I found that although a bit harsh in places it has a unique beauty that is all it's own.  Will I return, oh yeah I already figured out where I went wrong and am planning another out and back hopefully this time with the Girl.  We need time away from electronics, TV, computers and distractions to connect on a much more human level. 

Upon returning home I read on Facebook that there was an alternate way of friending people and it was called outside.  Kelly was headed there and that statement resonated through me like no other as I had just spent 72 hours there and met 6 very interesting and unique individuals, all with very unique stories and experiences to learn from.  People and experiences that I would never have, had I not unplugged and hit the road.  I think there will be many more

 "poof"

and

"Blip"

in my future both with those that I care about and alone to continue to learn who I am and what I am all about.

Oh by the way it must suck to be a horse in a bears world...

See you  on the trail wheels are optional

Sometimes it just all comes together

What a weekend...
it has again been a while since blogging but I have not been in the best place and choose not to dwell here.  November and December were sickly months with flues and bronchitis and all things that are not fun, but on to this weekend

Friday after work I decided to finally get off the fence and head down to southcoastsubaru.com and pick up a ride that actually fits my lifestyle rather than a self indulgent slice into the high performance auto world that suffers every weekend as I load bikes or packs into or onto highly customized rack systems to escape all that I am on a weekly basis and find all the goodness that is not so civilized.  Once complete I returned home to BBQ some carne asada and enjoy company of those close to me.  Although not all were present, you were missed

I awoke early Saturday morning and headed off to Aliso for another day of trail maintenance, only fitting for the first day in life of a new Subaru.  Over the last 2 weekends I have decided to not let my last round of knee surgery keep me off the trails so I have been doing trail work to help get Aliso back up and running after the storms.  On this day we were to work on Meadows and were allowed to drive into the park

A relaxing afternoon of froYo and the beach with the Gerl a coffee stop with one of the top tier  then we were off to SSKBBQ and baby octopi on the grill...We closed Road to Seoul as always and woke up Sunday morning with only room for coffee.  Still a little full from the 8 plates that we grilled the night before.  The more I thought about the work invested on the trails the harder it was to climb on the roadie for an hour of PT.

Long story short

Rolled from the house on the Sworks over to see how others were enjoying the fruits of our labor.  Having no idea how the knee would hold up I was only committed to making it to the top of the canyon and rolling back.  Well having ridden this far I found it hard to turn back so...

Ended up heading up Cholla and over to Rock It to see how our work was holding up.  All looked good and I had a huge grin on my tear strewn face as I descended and enjoyed all that mountains and bikes together have to offer.  Once I pedaled home it was time for a little ice ice baby!!!
Busy afternoon and it was off the the Ducks/Oilers game at The Honda Center with Xander,  Renee, and her father.  About 8 rows off the ice in the corner, not too bad.

 Now just sipping a Delirium and getting ready for a short week at work as I have shifted my MLK day to next Friday...  What does that hold in store, I have no idea, hiking, biking maybe snow shoeing and a tent.  Only time will tell...
 So many people in this world are suffering from so many different challenges, whether it be health, wealth, loneliness. or whatever keeps you from happiness.    May everything clear up, matter it not what ails you or keeps you from living life the way that you choose.  Have faith and the world may just surprise you...

It has been an interesting evening, one spawned by a thread from a friend having to put their dog down.  I was sitting at the dinner table, alone and enjoying my salmon when I read this cry for help and support.  I found myself overcome with emotion and it took me back to a day when I received a call from my father that Bear could no longer get up and I needed to come over and help after work.
  See Bear was a dog that my mother and I had brought home one day as a rescue when we saw a young boy leaving her behind as a puppy on the corner of Sierra and 4th in Norco near where we lived at the time.  We had to beg to keep her and so she became "mom's" dog. I already had one and so did my dad.  In the interim my mother had passed away and Bear was the only link that existed in a physical state and my father could not take her to the vet to do what needed to be done. She was a tired old dog that was not in pain but simply worn out, still very aware of what was going on around her, still very full of love and comfort, and he was and still is an amazing man with a love so strong for his wife that he could not bring himself to sever the last physical connection that existed.
  This also led me to think and reminisce about losing my uncle Tom almost 2 years ago, and how I poured my experience out onto the internet into the very same message board.

and then there were 2...

 I went back and revisited that thread this evening and it amazes me how an online community can come together when one of their own is hurting.  My heart goes out to Liz and her dog this evening, it brings tears to my eyes as I think about her loss, but the thoughts of the individuals that have come into my life through such a portal bring a smile at the same time.  I sit here an active ball of emotions running from strength and admiration to sadness, emptiness and hurt.  I sit here and I am thankful for all of the people in my life, thankful for their love and support, and hopeful that one day I can be half the man that father is.

Thank you for this journey Liz, you and Nikki are in my thoughts and prayers tonight, may she sleep peacefully through everything and you wake up whole tomorrow filled with all that she gave you...